This is a hard time, isn't it? Just like people don't know what to say to me, I don't really know what to say to you. What I can say... is that I miss you, very much, and that I'm devastated. I'm also sad I couldn't say goodbye. But, right, who could have known?
I hadn't felt so lonely and broken inside in a long time, and even if the time we shared was short, I assure you I don't regret it, and would do everything all over again if I had the chance. No, I wouldn't have left you alone these two weeks. My thoughts might be vain, but I think I was all you needed at the moment. Someone to talk to, someone to understand you and never judge you. Yourself, 15 years ago.
I want to be selfish now and demand you to be here. It wasn't the time, not for me, I barely got to know you. For you, it was the time, most definitely. But I don't care about that right now. I'm being selfish.
I hope you're not alone now. You've been too alone for the last years. I'm glad I could make you your last.... argh, I can't say it. What I mean is, I'm glad I could be with you these last two weeks.
"The show must go on", you told me. Funny enough, that's the name of my journal. And right now, after years with that name, I'm starting to understand it for real.
I don't want to, but I'm mad at your family. I'm mad at your friends. I never saw them near. I never even saw them there. I'm mad at your boyfriend for leaving you. I would have hoped it'd be like Philadelphia. Andrew and Miguel, that would have been pretty. But it was Moritz and Sisko, and not even that. It was Moritz and unnamed doctors and nurses. I secretly hope the doctor you found cute was there.
Thanks for everything. You were incredibly, strangely and exceptionally important in my life. I'm keeping your sketchbook. I don't think anyone's going to ask for it anyway.

I'm not sure how to tell you this Mr. Schneller... SO I'LL LET THESE GUYS DO IT!

You have aids
Yes you have aids
I hate to tell you boy that you have aids
You've got the aids
You may have caught it when you stuck that filthy needle in here
Or maybe all that unprotected sex which we hear
It isn't clear
But what we’re certain of is that you have aids
Yes you have aids
Not HIV but full blown aids...

Be sure that you see
That this is not HIV
But really full blown aids...
Not HIV but really
Full blown aids

I'm sorry I wish it was something less serious...
BUT IT'S AIDS
You've got the AIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII~~DS

















































No I don't have aids. It's just a song =/
Jeez.

Check my new hairstyle @ my profile. Pics coming soon. I look ugly, I know it. I love it.

Life's a bitch and so am I, the world owes me, so fuck you

Andreas was due today.

Andreas: Sisko's new baby half-brother

These are the rules:

1. Post these rules
2. Each person tagged must post 8 random and interesting facts about themselves
3. Tags should write a journal of these facts
4. At the end of the post 8 more bloggers are tagged and named
5. Go to their page and leave a comment telling them that they're tagged.

--

1. Err... interesting facts? Uhm... I have a twin brother! And my mom almost killed us when we were in utero =D
2. I dye my hair 20+ times a year. I've dyed it green, blue, red, pink, purple, black, yellow, black/white and brown. My original hair color is dark blonde, but I've had it black for a while now (I even dyed my eyebrows). I had it red for a few weeks not so long ago, but I didn't like it. I also cut my fringe in a funny way (which I dislike now). If I grow tired of my hair, and it's too dry to dye it again, I shave my head (I've done that about 10 times in my life). I started dying my hair at 16, with bleach.
3. I love cats. I had my first cat when I was 8. I named her Muza, and when my mom approved it, my brother punched me in the face, because he wanted her to be called Cinderella. I have a cat now, and her name's Kerosene (I dub her Kerry though).
4. I'm a music teacher, and I play the guitar, the bass, the drums and I'm learning to play the piano (I suck at it though, but they require it in the school I teach at). 90% of the 13+year old girls have a crush on me.
5. I've never been to Uni.
6. I'm in love with a beautiful boy named Harvey. He's Brazilian and his accent is just-too-cute. He's half American, that's why his name is English (his complete name is Harvey Paulo dos Santos McKen).
7. The guy in my MSN display picture is always me (so stop asking!)
8. My complete name is Francisco Johann Schneller. My brother's name is Jean Seth Schneller. My dad's name was Johann Gerald Schneller. My mom's name is Pascale Schneller (soon to be Pascale O'Donovan, Pascale Beauchamp when she was single). My unborn brother's name will be Andreas O'Donoval. No, I'm not afraid of showing personal information on Internet =P

I'm also too lazy to tag more people. Tag yourself if you want to!

1. Name- Francisco Schneller
2. Nicknames: Sisko, Sicko, Fran, Francis, Frank, Franbeer, Franrum, Fran-*insert name of alcoholic beverage here*
3. Birthday: February 5th, 1985
4. Place of Birth: Bordeaux, France (no wonder I drink so much XD)
5. Zodiac Sign: Aquarius
6. Male or Female: Male
7. Grade: Out of High School!
8. School: I work at a school.
9. Occupation: Music teacher!
10. Residence: http://siskotch.livejournal.com
11. MSN Screen Name: Fred Weasley.

___Your Appearance___

12. Hair Color: Right now, black (used to be red a few weeks ago)
13. Hair Length: Short, semi-spikey
14. Eye color: Dark green
15. Defining features: Physical; long and thin (and I'm talking about my body XD), hair changing everyday, my nose. Psychological; mood swings, insecurity hidden behind an extrovert mask, funny, soul of the party. I also tend to move my hands a lot when I talk .-.
16. Height: 5'10"
17. Cup Size: I HOPE it's 0!
18. Scars: Not so many. One in my back (because of surgery)
19. Piercings: Ears
20. Tattoos: None, but I'd like one
21. Righty or Lefty: Righty power!

___Your 'Firsts'___

22. First best friend: Robert Cox
23. First Award: Best Voleyball Player in 8th grade XD
24. First sport you joined: Volleyball
25. First pet: My lovely cat Muza!
26. First overseas Vacation: Overseas? Not sure if I've done that...
27. First Cellphone: Sony Ericsson, the colored ones
28. First Love: A girl, obviously, can't remember. First *real* love, Averell Bardrick

___ Favorites___

29. Movie: Err... 21 Grams
30. TV programme: Whose line is it anyway?, Da Ali G Show (yeah sue me), Scrubs
31. Color: Blue
32. Rapper: Me no like rappers yo!
33. Band: Our Lady Peace!
34. Song Right Now: Eyes without a face, Billy Idol
35. Friends: My brother Seth, two other guys and my baby cat Kerosene
36. Sweet: PEZ. I got a dispenser and I can't stop eating!
37. Sport to watch: None, I hate watching sports.
38. Sport to play: Sex woohoo!
39. Favorite brand: Converse, FSAS
40. Store: The nearest shopping center; I'll always find something great. Recycled clothing stores rock too, you never know if you'll find treasures for two bucks!
41. School Subject: At school? Sports
42. Animal: Cats!
43. Book: Noooo idea... comic books
44. Magazine: Playgirl... what!
45. Gambling game: Roulette >.>

___Currently___

46. Feeling: Good =D
47. Single or Taken?: Taken!
48. Have a crush: Many, but I'm loyal
49. Eating: Nothing
50. Drinking: Coke
51. Typing: Of course ¬¬
52. Online?: Always
53. Listening To: Nothing
54. Thinking about: Harvey <3
55. Wanting To: see him!
56. Watching: the screen o_o
57. Wearing: Checkered pants, a black turtle neck and a white t-shirt. And slippers =3

___Your Future___

58. Want Kids?: Noooo
59. Want to be Married?: Maybe...
60. Careers in Mind: Music, teaching
61. Where do you want to live: Here is ok!
62. Car: I have a steel red second generation Renault Clio, hatchback, two doors

___Which is Better With The Opposite (same!) Sex___

63. Hair color: Light brown =D
64. Hair length: Shoulder lenght curls =D!
65. Eye color: Light blue *-*
66. Measurements: Won't go into details, but Harvey's <3
67. Cute or Sexy: Cute AND sexy
68. Lips or Eyes: Both!
69. Hugs or Kisses: Both!
70. Short or Tall: Same height!
71. Easygoing or serious: A mix
72. Romantic or Spontaneous: Romantic can be spontaneous, and spontaneous can be romantic
73. Fatty or Skinny: Right now, Harvey-size
74. Sensitive or Loud: Sensitive <3
75. Hook-up or Relationship: Relationship!
76. Sweet or Caring: Sweet
77. Trouble Maker or Hesitant One: Neither

___Have you ever ___

78. Kissed a Stranger: Yes
79. Had Alcohol: Yes
80. Smoked: Yes
81. Ran Away From Home: Oh yeah
82. Broken a bone: Yes
83. Got an X-ray: Yes
84. Killed someone: ... I still blame myself
85. Broken Someones Heart: Definitely
86. Broke Up With Someone: Yes
87. Cried When Someone Died: Of course
88. Cried At School: No

___Do You Believe In___

89. God: No
90. Miracles: No
91. Love At First sight: Hmm.... no
92. Ghosts: No
93. Aliens: Of course
94. Soul Mates: Yes
95. Heaven: No
96. Hell: No
97. Angels: No
98. Kissing on The First Date: Always
99. Horoscopes: No
100. Ouija Board- No

Yeah I posted this in my other blog, but I wanted it to be here, whatever

Family growth

Well... not exactly, since we don't live like a family anymore, but still.
My mom is getting married. End of September.
All the "OMG congratulations!!" and "that's amazing!" and "I wish her luck!" should start here, but they don't, not now, not in my mind.
I'll say this once, it'll sound stupid, selfish and kind of incoherent, but I don't want my mom to get married.
To that I'll add this is the reason of why I've been cold and distant in the last time, to make it COMPLETELY incoherent.
My mom is 42 years old, pretty young seeing that both my brother and I are 22. My dad and her were married for little more than 2 years until he disappeared. She never had a real marriage, in fact, I can almost assure that was her last relationship until well... two years ago. My mom and him don't live together, but that's like, the only thing that will change once they get married; they're almost married right now, they even *look* married.
Nothing will change... then why get married?
Oh yeah, cherry on top of the cake: she's pregnant.
Baby brother/sister for me. Brother/sister that will look like my child instead of a sibling.
She married my dad because she was pregnant. Her marriage was a fiasco.
She's getting married because she's pregnant again (my point of view). The only difference I see is her age.

Rant time: I don't trust this marriage. I don't support it. I don't want her to have another husband. I don't want her to have another baby. I don't want a brother/sister. I'm a selfish bastard.

Yes I'm jealous and I don't know why

I hope she lets me go with Harv as my companion to her wedding party. If she doesn't, I'll stop contact with her.

Phewww, long time no update, so, this is going to be long. An update on my life since I last posted something here
Where can I start? Oh yeah; Harry Potter. It's over, finito incantatem. The truth is, while reading Deathly Hallows, I felt... old for it. It wasn't as entertaining or emotive as reading the other books. In fact, each book since Goblet of Fire has been less and less entertaining (for me).
Why? I have older Potterhead friends, so I don't think it's because I'm 22. The adventures of 17 year-olds is not what made the book boring (for lack of a better word).
There were parts I loved, and there were parts I hated, I even cried once (I'm a pussy). I don't remember laughing (maybe because it's a dark book, or maybe because it was, well, not funny).
The thing is that the last volume of the Harry Potter series left me calm, without wanting more, and glad to have finished reading them.

Second topic: JarJar Binks.
Not the idiotic alien from Star Wars; I mean Harvey and me (he's JarJar, I'm Binks. Dumb people).
I adore Harvey. A lot. Too much. I can't live without him.
Yes, I mean it, I can't. I'm doing it right now, and I'm not liking it!
What the hell is he doing in Brazil, so FAR AWAY from me?! I knew I shouldn't have let him get in that airplane.
(PS: Just so you know, Sisko is being a crybaby. Harv left today a few hours ago).
I want my piece of heart back </3
He's back in... two weeks. TWO FUCKING WEEKS!!
I've NEVER been without him for so long (after meeting him of course, because I spent 22 years without him alive and well).
I hope he brings me a present. I deserve one for suffering so much!

Third topic: HAPPY BIRTHDAY HAWKLEY!!
That was DA party of the year. Fo real. Respek. Thanks for the free beer ;D

FOURTH TOPIC OMGFLOLZ!!!!!!!!!111111one-one1111eleven
Nothing. There's no fourth topic. My life is boring like that, face it.

This song goes to my evil husband, who left me on my own without him. You'll find me dead, eaten by flies, when you come back!
But don't worry; te quiero igual.

Te quiero pero te llevaste la flor
Y me dejaste el florero
Te quiero me dejaste la ceniza
Y te llevaste el cenicero
Te quiero pero te llevaste marzo
Y te rendiste en febrero
Primero te quiero igual

Te quiero, te llevaste la cabeza
Y me dejaste el sombrero
Te quiero pero te olvidaste abril
En el ropero pero igual
Te quiero, no me gusta esperar
Pero igual te espero
Primero te quiero igual

Te quiero me dejaste el florero
Y te llevaste la flor pero igual
Te quiero me dejaste el vestido
Y te llevaste el amor
te quiero pero te olvidaste abril
En el ropero
Primero te quiero igual

No sé si estoy despierto
O tengo los ojos abiertos

Te quiero, no sé si estoy despierto
O tengo los ojos abiertos
Sé que te quiero y que me esperan
Más aeropuertos
Te quiero te llevaste la vela
Y me dejaste el entierro
Primero te quiero igual

Te quiero pero te llevaste la flor
Y me dejaste el florero
Te quiero, me dejaste la ceniza
Y te llevaste el cenicero
Te quiero pero te llevaste marzo
Y te rendiste en febrero
Primero te quiero igual

Hahahahaha, we're so sweet.
Happy 2 months and 22 days

Meus pés não tocam mais o chão
Meus olhos não vêem minha direção
Da minha boca saem coisas sem sentido
Você era o meu farol e hoje estou perdido
O sofrimento vem à noite sem pudor
Somente o sono ameniza minha dor
Mas e depois? e quando o dia clarear?
Quero viver do teu sorriso teu olhar

Eu corro pro mar pra não lembrar você
E o vento me trás o que eu quero esquecer
Entre os soluços do meu choro eu tento te explicar
Nos teus braços é o meu lugar
Contemplando as estrelas minha solidão
Aperta forte o peito é mais que uma emoção
Esqueci do meu orgulho pra você voltar
Permaneço sem amor, sem luz, sem ar

Perdi o jogo e tive que te ver partir
E a minha alma sem motivo pra existir
Já não suporto esse vazio quero me entregar
Ter você pra nunca mais nos separar
Você é o encaixe perfeito do meu coração
O teu sorriso é chama da minha paixão
Mas é fria a madrugada sem você aqui
Só com você no pensamento

Eu corro pro mar pra não lembrar você
E o vento me trás o que eu quero esquecer
Entre os soluços do meu choro eu tento te explicar
Nos teus braços é o meu lugar
Contemplando as estrelas minha solidão
Aperta forte o peito é mais que uma emoção
Esqueci do meu orgulho pra você voltar
Permaneço sem amor, sem luz...

Meu ar, meu chão é você
Mesmo quando fecho os olhos
Posso te ver!

Eu corro pro mar pra não lembrar você
E o vento me trás o que eu quero esquecer
Entre os soluços do meu choro eu tento te explicar
Nos seus braços é o meu lugar
Contemplando as estrelas minha solidão
Aperta forte o peito é mais que uma emoção
Esqueci do meu orgulho pra você voltar
Permaneço sem amor, sem luz, sem ar

... mais eu tenho você! =D
E a canção diz a verdade, mais eu permaneço com amor, com luz, com ar, com você

Obrigado por tudo q já fez por mim e obrigado pelo que ainda fará
Eu adoro você, meu gatão =)

O Harvey aqui, agora e para sempre, porque eu vou te reparar

Yes I try my best and I don't succeed
I don't get what I want, less what I need
And I feel real tired, and I can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears keep falling down my face
And I've lost too much I can't replace
And I love someone I don't deserve
Could it be worse?

Lights don't guide me home
They just leave me alone
No one can... fix me

Cause I can't see high, just down below
And I'm too in love to let you go
Love you way too much, you'll never know
Just what you're worth

I'll let you guide me home
Stay and love me more
Please, just try... to fix me

Tears stream down my face
I won't lose you, you cannot be replaced
Tears stream down your face
And I

Tears stream down my face
I promise you I will change, learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I

Try to guide me home
Kiss my heart of stone
I know that... you'll fix me

So... yeah. I'm freaking tired. Today was a bad day.
8 in the morning -- class. Yeah I'm still a school teacher. Sometimes I love it... and some other times I hate it. Like now. So I got there late and... gosh, it's SO HARD to make thirty 15 year olds shut the hell up! òwó Fucking kids!
People... be nice to your teachers. They're human... believe it or not. Well, some of them. INCLUDING ME

I left at 12 and I was sad. I called Harvey but he was busy... so I had lunch on my own. I ate a ton. I'm eating way too much, I've gained weight. I mean, I'm still thin and all, but... bleh. I scare myself because I have a distorted point of view regarding my weight; I was watching old photos (post-Averell photos), when I was thinthinthinthin and I miss that... and I shouldn't! But I do. I felt so bad after that Big Mac that I went to the bathroom and I...

It felt good.

But it felt bad afterwards.

I got on my car and I drove. Far. Far away. Then I stopped and I parked. And I ran. Far. Far away until I couldn't run more. I must have run... what, 10 miles? I returned home at about 5. And I ran to the gym. I just felt the need to move, to feel tired. I came back at 7. My whole body hurts. I didn't see Harvey today. And I haven't eaten since the Big Mac

You're so many people, tell me
Who am I talking to, now?
Can't you see there's no two alike?
Are you the kind that says: "stay with me
I promise you pain, give you a hard time..."?
I promise you, if you listen to me, girl, give you art
Which is not the same than:
Stay and we'll see
Stay and we'll see

It's not the same to feel like or to be
It's not the same to be or to stay, no way!
No even to stay is the same as to stop
It's not the same
Is it that we're not, nor feel like
Nor think to stay
Though it's diferent to acomodate or to fight
It's not the same... it's different

It's not the same art and get fed up
It's not the same to be fair and how nice it looks!... you'll see
It's not the same you or the other, you know
It's not the same
You should know some people try to confuse you
But we have a heart, it's not the same,
We feel it... it's different

OK, maybe I deserve it
Good, though I won't sell you my voice
Door, and what others say about us...
Read my lips, I'm not for sale

OK, maybe we deserve it
Good, though we won't sell our voices
Door, and what others say about us...
Read my lips, I couldn't care less

Door and air, I'm asfixiating
It's not about the side you wanna be
'Cause to be on one side or to be thrown aside... you'll see
I don't know how to say it, it's not the same
To live is the most dangerous about life
That they say on TV
That there's a free heart
That's not the same
That it's dangerous... and it's different

It's not the same vast or enough
It's not the same to say, opinate, impose or command
The black lists, the white hands... you'll see
It's not the same
Doesn't win the one with more guts
I don't know if i'm explaining myself
Nowadays no one wants to be the same
Whatever,
It's not like an "ism"... it's instinct

OK, maybe I deserve it
Good, though I won't sell you my voice
Door, and what others say about us...
Read my lips, I'm not for sale

OK, maybe we deserve it
Good, though we won't sell our voices
Door, and what others say about us...
Read my lips, I couldn't care less

I got an ointment for all the pains
Remedies for all kind of mistakes
And also receipts for deceits

I love this photo
I love you

It's addicting .-.
Band guys! Because yesterday we played again after a very very long hiatus =D
Presenting BDSF!

Vocals and Guitar- Seth (AKA Devil) Schneller!


Second Guitar- Joaquin (AKA Joke) Navarro de Suarez!


Bass- Francisco (AKA Sisko) Schneller!


Drums- Kurt (AKA err... Kurt) Hawley!


YAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!
... I'm nuts I know it
But I'm a happy person, don't mess with my happiness!
And leave my boyfriend alone, you crazy fangirls!! *Hits fangirls with his boot*

Here's me ----------->
And here's Jar  ----->

We're so goddamn hot
I love you! <3

I barely know you, and I already think I love you =x
And I say "think" because I don't know if I know what does it feel to be in love.
I do know I like you very very much. And I do know that I care for you as much as you care for me. Thanks for being by my side and thanks for understanding me. I guess this is what people meant when they said "if he cares about you, your problems won't matter to him; he'll stay by your side" =D
Thanks for everything... you're amazing.

Sisko -->
France -->

They are me. And the ways to tell how I am.
France is blue, Sisko is red. France is quiet, Sisko is loud. France is cold, Sisko is warm. France is shy, Sisko is outgoing. France is boring, Sisko is funny.
France is depression, Sisko is mania
Sisko tends to appear more frenquently than France, though France's appearances usually make Francisco, the whole being, lose all his balance
They are both extreme. Neither of them wants to leave. You've met both of them. You like Sisko better. You don't know how bad he can be
They are both destructive.  They destroy each other. They build me
They are me

Have you ever felt happy, so happy you could explode... but at the same time, there's something that's not quite right, something that's not enough to make you feel sad... but that is strong enough to make you notice it, to feel something like a little bit of dirt in your mood.
And it's just a small splinter, but you know, less surface, more pressure... it wouldn't matter if it was big and heavy... but it's so sharp and small it itches, and you just can't scratch your mood. And you think about it, and you can't figure it out; you just don't know what's that sliver, what it means, or why's it there. Who put it there in the first place, and why isn't it letting you be in peace. It's small, so small... you're wasting your time thinking about it, aren't you? It's not worth it, but it is. It's following the philosophy of live and let die, and even if thinking a sliver has a philosophy of life is something crazy, it makes sense for you. But heck, you can't help it; sensible things never make sense for you anyway, your world is always backwards, upside down, inside out, the other way round. You're wasting your time thinking about something as minimal as a tiny sliver piercing through your mood, and, didn't we say you were happy, very happy, so happy you could explode? Well, you were. But now you just don't have time to enjoy that. You have to think about the sliver, because the sliver is preventing your happiness from being complete and perfect, and who wants to have a stained happiness? So the sliver grows... it grows and it's not a sliver anymore... it's growing, turning into a crust, a big thick crust that covers the rest of your mood. And suddenly...

Nothing is worth it anymore. Happiness is relative, yeah... relatively hard to obtain. And you lost it, once again, you let the ant bite the lion. The sliver proved it was worth it, it proved it could make you miserable if it wanted to. Live and let die. You used to say live and let live (just a few minutes ago!). But now it's live and let die. Live and let kill. Live and let (it) kill (you). And you're stupid, you're pathetic, all of a sudden. And it's like when it's cold outside... and you think it's so cold you will never see the sun again. But deep inside, you know it's not true. Summer will come, with warm calm days. But, once again! You know they won't be warm for you. They will be hot, extremely hot, extremely extreme. You'll be happy, you'll be excited, you'll be astonished once again, the euphoria comes in a extreme way, so extreme it hurts. You're wonderfully high, so high you could fly if you wanted to... because you're the ruler of the world, and nothing can stop you. You're Alex DeLarge, you're Mark Renton and Harry Goldfarb, you can do anything! And... people fail to understand you, but you couldn't care less. And you know that day will come, the day when everything is so good, so hot that you'll forget the damn cold days, so cold, so cold they freeze.

I'M FREEZING RIGHT NOW!!

The warm days won't come... the extremely extreme days when I'm the king of the world, when I'm a god. Right now, I'm the dirtiest, shittiest dog in the world... and I wonder why I feel like this. I wonder when did the god and the dog meet... and it feels weird to realize they're the same, just the same, but backwards... upside down, inside out, the other way round. Like my world. Two sides of the same coin, the two parts of me. I'll think about this when I'm in the mood. Right now, the crust is big and heavy. It never leaves, so I'll have to wait until it shrinks, until it's a small, tiny, worthless sliver again. One thing can help it...

... I take my pills and try to sleep

__________________________________

Taken from the mind of a bipolar guy who needs to put in words what he feels with every mood swing. Because "god" and "dog" are spelled the same.